


Attack of the Giant Penis

by Drivven Labyrinth (DrivvenWrinth), FairyNiamh



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Gen, Humor, Penis Size, Sex Change, TV News
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-06
Updated: 2012-02-06
Packaged: 2017-10-30 16:54:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/333955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrivvenWrinth/pseuds/Drivven%20Labyrinth, https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairyNiamh/pseuds/FairyNiamh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The aftermath of when Konohagakure is attacked by a Giant Penis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Attack of the Giant Penis

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, sadly that means I do not own it and have gained nothing but personal satisfaction for writing this. (Yeah like he would ever think of this!)  
> A/N: Special thanks to [info]cutsycat who beta'd but did not participate in the writing of this major mind trip. THIS folks is why two sleep deprived perverts should be kept away from the computer and put to bed. From here on out... Read at your own risk! (Also Special thinks to Estiu for coming up with the idea of how the Giant Penis came into being. *chu* dear)

Breaking News: The failed experiment of the notorious Orochimaru has escaped from it's confines that was last seen headed away from Konohagakure, is still on the loose. We have a reporter standing there to give us an update on the state of the traumatized village.

Hello, we are here in Konohagakure reporting on a tragedy that befell them several weeks ago. We had a difficult time gathering our courage, I mean finding the right reporter for this job. Due to the state of the victims we have to rely on witnesses and relatives of the victims to tell us how everyone is doing.

Tell me Madame; just what alerted you and the rest of the village to the danger? "Well, I heard someone screaming: LOOK OUT! EVERYONE EVACUATE KONOHAGAKURE! THERE IS A VERY LARGE HORNY PENIS HEADED THIS WAY AND IT'S LOOKING FOR A NEW HOME! BE WARNED IT KILLED A FREAKIN WHALE!!"

Gaara, who was visiting the village at the time, valiantly appeared and heroically tried to capture the large penis in his Dessert coffin only to hear a moan of pleasure. This led the red head to rethink his actions and flee from the scene faster than anyone had ever seen. The dust or um, er sand was flying, literally! It has been reported that Gaara no longer carries the gourd of sand, it reminds him of too much of large testicles.

Even the great Kyuubi hid in his cell urging Naruto to run at the speed of light. Even being captured by the Akatsuki would be more enjoyable than being anywhere near... THAT!

Thinking of the Akatsuki put a plan in Naruto's brain, why not kill two birds with one stone. With this thought he quickly led the penis to the last known hiding place of the Akatsuki before disappearing in a swirl of leaves

It didn't take very long at all for tired and frazzled Akatsuki to start appearing in their home villages pleading to be arrested and hidden in the deepest dungeons available and THAT was the real story of how the Akatsuki were defeated single handedly... err singularly by a giant penis!

Reports indicate that while the penis appeared to be following Naruto, is was actually running from Sakura. We get reports from time to time that she is still out there searching for it.Women around the world can only shake their head at her apparent stupidity or perhaps sever brain damage. There are reports of her calling 'here giant penis, I have something for you...' We don't know the rest, Konoha's spies run in fear at that point, before she spots them. Orochimaru has apparently joined Sakura in her quest. We are unsure at this time if it is to re-capture his experiment or to use it, we fear it is the latter though.

"I saw Kakashi Hatake." The witness shuddered while remembering, the horror. *Flashback* Kakashi’s face came into view and the look of complete betrayal was heart-rending. How could something he loved be so terrifying? What a sick twisted world! The horror, the horror!

Well, folks. We have determined that elite jounin tutor, Ebisu passed out at some point. We aren't sure when, but we have determined that he had died of a massive nose bleed before the monster actually reached him.

Hinata only screams when she sees cucumbers and such now, so there has been some improvement in her condition.

Genma has completely given up the senbon. Oh and Shikamaru has quit smoking, oral fixations seem to be out of vogue at present.

Ino appears to have sworn off men for life and is currently in search of her one true love... Temari.

Chouji has lost weight, since he couldn't touch chopsticks for weeks without curling up into the fetal position.

Kotetsu had to change his hairstyle; Izumo couldn't look at him without crying and sucking his thumb.

Kankuro has stopped putting on face paint due to the make-up being in a stick form and his uncontrollable crying whenever he even thinks of putting it on.

The biggest shock was Ibiki's decision to get a sex change and then declare himself a lesbian.

Neji has also had a sex change and is currently living with Ibiki, they are thinking of adopting.

Kabuto amputated er, performed his own sex change operation and is now a full eunuch he seems quite content. Ibiki and Neji are considering hiring him as their nanny when they adopt.

The Hokage, Tsunade, is no longer drinking any alcohol, every time someone approaches her with a bottle of Sake she promptly hits them and then hides under her desk for days at a time.

Iruka has decidedly left his teaching position due to his new fear of Kunai.

The Inuzuka clan has real problems. The dogs will no longer smell each other in greeting or lick their own balls which is not healthy dog behavior. Kiba was seen in the hospital getting his tattoos removed from his face since they frightened everyone and everything, including his dog. The Inuzuka’s have also removed all of the dogs' wagging tails due to them inducing nightmares.

Jiraiya, the worlds greatest pervert, has left to become a monk after the monastery swore that they would keep candles away from him.

The Hokage tower and all other cylindrical buildings have undergone renovations to alter their shape.

Naruto has given up his Ramen in favor of things like steak and fish. He has also been seen yelling 'Coward' at his seal; we can only guess at what the demon that resides in him is doing. Naruto also ripped off the expensive necklace given to him by the Hokage and it is said that he threw it into the deepest part of the sea.

Gai and Lee have completely given up the bowl cuts, since small children cried (more than normal) upon seeing what looked like the mushroom head of a penis. They now sport a more... hippie hairstyle.

After being place in his cell Itachi curled into a tight ball crying for his mother to come and save him from the round bars. It is reported that Ibiki thought it was too cruel to leave him in there and placed him in an unlocked room, which the S-Class criminal has never tried to escape.

Sasuke has been seen fleeing from his own summons and is currently trying to break into Itachi's room so he can have a safe hiding place.

After seeing his swarm of bugs come out in a rather phallic way, Shino promptly hired an exterminator to come and fumigate his body. His family has followed suit.

Sai no longer draws, uses weapons of cylindrical shape, it seems he's been cured of his fixation on penises, even Naruto’s.

Yamoto has stopped using his infamous jutsu and has moved to live in a nearby cave. The thought of 'wood' frightens him.

Konohamaru made the mistake of using THAT jutsu in an attempt to save the village. The poor boy still runs if you get to close. His food must be left out for him and he only comes to it when there is no one around. Attempts have been made to capture him, but it is believed he's gone completely feral.

Tobi, another S-class criminal was found hanging without his mask from the gates of Konohagakure. There was a note apologizing to the citizens and children who thought he might have been the dreaded one-eyed snake. He swore that he just wanted to be a good boy.

It is believed that Karin has begun her own quest for the giant penis, her intentions and whereabouts are unknown at this time. Though we can all probably correctly assume what her intentions are.

All summons, sans the snakes that are obviously envious, have refused all calls. It is not known if they will ever grace this world with their appearance ever again.

Zestu was reportedly in a hospital having his 'leaves' removed as he scared the jailers every time by closing the 'leaves'. Not wishing to be thrown out of his safe haven, he quickly agreed to the surgery.

Udon is now reportedly using corks up his nose because when he saw his nose dripping in the mirror and fainted, he claimed that it reminded him of what the penis was doing when he saw it.

Kisame, after removing all phallic looking coral, has rejoined his birth family and is now living in Atlantis hoping that the penis is not waterproof.

Asuma and Kurenai have decided to divorce. Kurenai cannot look at him nor their son without breaking out into tears and hiding in the closet. At least the child still has his dad, and perhaps after years of therapy she will get over her shock.

At first it was believed that Anko died valiantly throwing herself upon the beast, however, it has been determined that she was just a crazy psycho bitch that was too scary to get laid. Her death has been ruled a suicide.

With the rate of shinobi and civilians swearing off sex or anything phallic like, it would appear that our world is in a dire situation of becoming under populated. Yes, well, when Kakashi can't get it up, you know we are in deep shit.

The Therapists who have already received their own round of group therapy are now rubbing their hands gleefully at the thought of all the money that is sure to come there way due to this tragedy.

And that folks, is the situation in the once powerful hidden leaf village. A tragic ending to a horrific story. 

Please remember that the Giant Penis is still at large, umm, on the loose. If you even suspect that it may be anywhere in your vicinity, RUN! Do not call the authorities, they have better things to do than die, especially like that. Be safe and Good Night.

~Fin~


End file.
